Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
