Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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