we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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