Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
