i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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