im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
