Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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