A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
