Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
