I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
