im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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