the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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