I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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