I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need a beard to bite.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize