Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i dont even know how to be here
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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