Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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