come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
