I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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