It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
