Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Even my vagina gasped.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
false alarm, still single
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
