my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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