nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
