i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
