anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize