i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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