Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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