Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
