There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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