Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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