At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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