his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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