She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
