if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
