Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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