My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize