we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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