I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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