One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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