someone owes me an orgasm
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
