Your face is a jimmy john
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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