ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
