he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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