I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
