You smell like a Billy Joel song
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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