I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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