The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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