ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize