there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
