paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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