Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize