True but thats because hes a fetus.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
