Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
