all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
