she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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