He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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