sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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