okay pat passed out under dana's car
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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