gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize