Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
