I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
