I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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