no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I could fuck to npr.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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