Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
