guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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