I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I currently don't understand fingers.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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