All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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