I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
