Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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