AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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