She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
