I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
